Life Purposes

Two months after I gave birth to my daughter years ago, my younger brother visited me in Singapore when he was going back to Indonesia for his term break. His visit was also kind of to pick up my mother and bring her back home after staying with me for a while teaching me how to take care a newborn baby.

At that blissful time of being a new mom, he casually asked me what it's like to finally have a child. It's like I have a new purpose in life, I answered simple and straight.

I guess I just have to remind myself more about this conversation these days. You see, after the miscarriage, my so called great depression, supervisor's call, and all, for these past few months I was somehow drained in thoughts about pursuing my career back and finding what I like doing which I'm going to do. Come to think of it again, maybe I'm just going through another life crisis, sort of.

Every time I was in the middle of some 'research and study' to fill my brain some insights in, my daughter always asked why should I do that. And every time I said that I need to prepare myself before I go back to the market, she always did this crying her eyes out over objection. She doesn't want me go to work (whatever that will be) and leave her all day long just like her father does. I've tried to talk to her though, telling her that I'm not going to leave her alone if I work (I could exercise this working from home thing, perhaps?) But she's still not taking it well, she would cry a river every time I brought the topic up until it shook my conscience and made me question my motive all over again, which in turn, brought me back to the conversation with my brother.

Dear S my little darling, you were once my purpose in life, you are still now, and you will always be. You're quite too young to understand but I want you to know that. I dare say that I love you more than I love myself. Even if I had to think less of my own self a bit in order to look out for you, I would. I always had —and you know, I always would.

I know someday you'll figure it out.

Going Back For Good

All these times I always thought that the craziest thing I have ever done in my life is to marry to a complete stranger (not necessarily a stranger I picked up on the street though, but still) and uproot my family at home to live with him in a totally foreign place for me (but a lovely one, for that matter).
And now, as it turns out, I realize that nothing would be more masochistic enough than to leave this country for good.

which we will, soon.

You read that right, my husband and I had decided about two months ago, that we will be going back to Indonesia for good at the end of this May. Together with the end first term of S's school year and the last month of the apartment's leasing contract (I still remember two years ago I was hoping that we would extend the contract once again).

This decision was totally all of sudden. I knew that we often sat down and talked about moving to Jakarta someday, but we never really discussed the exact time when we will actually do it. And then, I can still picture this one night clearly when my husband brought this topic again. He wanted to execute plan of our coming back for good, after explaining the reasons why.

I was taken aback for a moment but I tried my best to work pass my initial reaction and be rational. We both knew that we never planned to live for a long term in Singapore. For us, this country is too comfortable to the extend that we could consider it a comfort zone, but you know that if you stay in a comfort zone too long, it will somehow 'kill you softly'. So, that's it, in order to grow and to learn more we need to move to a new place; a learning zone.

I told my husband to get everything well prepared beforehand because I did aware that there's this thing such as stepping out of your comfort zone and then there's scuba diving out of it without a proper wetsuit, which I don't know yet which one we're doing right now (hopefully the first one though). Either way, I take it that we're just choosing another struggle —which is not necessarily a whole lot different pain in the arse— and different challenge to open our life to new possibilities and opportunities in order to personally and socially grow.

We're still figuring out what kind of life we want and what it would take to achieve that, yet we are so looking forward to it. But despite everything, I myself can't really say that I'm all set both physically and mentally, because I'm not really sure yet whether I am ready or not to face that so called 'challenging' life in Jakarta with all the beauty and the chaos in it. For now, as I still have no concrete plans yet as to what I'm gonna do there in the foreseeable future, this is all I can get to say: Jakarta, show me what you've got!


A quite random thought I had in mind after spending a little time reading articles and seeing pictures of the people who live in war zone; those who can't sleep at night without feeling afraid of being killed or blasted by dropped shells, those whose children can't even play outside because the shootings are still going on. It made me wonder, how could those people continue their daily life whose their country is at war?

I don't understand why it is still happening in the world today, but I do hope someday we'll achieve this surreal thing called world peace.

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That's Okay

Over the years, my friends shrank a lot in terms of number. But knowing that there's still a bunch of good friends I got in hands, I think that's enough.  Here is to all the people who still can put up with me and all of my shit, thank you, I'm so blessed.

And this is for me.

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Visit Pekanbaru 2018

The three of us flew to Pekanbaru for a relative's wedding ceremony last month. It's the first time for S to visit this city, while for me, this is where I was born and spent my first few years of life. I don't really have memories about the city from my childhood though, but it's nice to know that there's actually a place in Indonesia that didn't make me frustrated so much about the traffic (hello there, Jakarta). 

This is a picture of us with my father in law, in front of Masjid Agung An-Nur.

With and Without You

Just after I woke up this morning, I squinted my eyes to the screen of my phone wanting to know what time it was, but as I peered to the date stated there, I felt a familiar pang of grief I usually had around this time of the year; this day 19 years ago when my father passed away.

I can't believe that we've lived without him around us for almost two decades now. 
I can't believe how life moving way too fast while I still felt that it took place like only several years ago. 
I can't believe the fact that now I've lived much longer without him than with him around. 
I can't believe it either, looking back, the first years that we've gone through without him weren't that difficult, those times were rather bearable, I suppose so.

Having thought that, it makes me believe more that Allah doesn't burden one more than one can bear, that just like what Allah has promised, with every hardship we face that makes life feels so difficult, comes ease.

Six Down

Many more to go.