Another Opportunity

If someone asked me about how do I feel about leaving Singapore, I always wanted to say that nothing here could compare to Singapore. It's heaven on earth for someone who likes orderliness like me. But instead, I always ended up saying that life here in Indonesia is a lot better because I can be near to my #1 life supporter —my mother, obviously. 

To be honest, Jakarta has something to offer that Singapore doesn't. Opportunity. I don't know about you, but despite the peaceful life as a housemaker, I desperately need to feel like myself again; that I'm not only someone's wife, someone's mother, or someone's daughter in law. I need myself to validate ME; that my emotions are valid, my abilities are regarded, my opinions are heard, and I can get to be something I always wanted to. Those things I can't have while I'm "all by myself" in SG, you see. 

And to materialize them, I'm forever thankful to my supervisor for giving me a second chance, accepting me back no matter what state I was in, and for letting me learn to be myself again. Thank you for always believing and speaking highly of me when nobody else does (not even my friggin' husband wkwkw!)

And for that too, I thank Indonesia for giving me the space I can start my doing so.


Way to go to make my way!

2020

It's been a while. The calendar has rolled and we entered 2020.

This year, things will be more challenging for me as I am going to start my Ph.D. in civil engineering in a few weeks! I'm excited and groggy at the same time. I'm praying that everything will turn alright, bismillah.



Sorting out my life

From one country to another; It's the same old activity of picking up my girl from school all over again —adding Jakarta's traffic thing in the equation, naturally. Whew, I still can't believe that this is happening! We’re not holidaying, we're staying. And it seems that our life here is getting real.
It's already past the time to bid the last  goodbye to our former home in Singapore, I am supposed to start 'sorting out my life' here.

Four

When you were popped out of my body, little did I know that you were about to blast my world with a brust of colors that I didn't realize ever existed and a set of emotions that I didn't even know I had.  And you see by far, I'm obviously not the epitome of an understanding, caring, and patient mother, and I don't think I can be though, because I'm a very short tempered, inconsistent, unreasonably strict-sometime and nonchalant-most of the time kind of person. I'm sorry for that as much as I'm thankful that you are here after all, bringing the best of feelings I have ever known, the one that's warm, strong, and passionate. I love you, my four years old baby!


Hearts Turned

It's the third week us living in Indonesia and it still feels just like a holiday visit, because of the raya festivity and all, I suppose.

After all the hassle of packing and removing things from our former apartment in Singapore I did for the last two months before we moved out, our moving to Jakarta really doesn't feel somewhat unbelievable, but somehow sometimes I do wonder about the sudden change that just happened in our life.

If you asked me months ago at the beginning of this year, I didn't think I would say yes when my husband told me about us moving to Indonesia. Because you know, all these years, every time I arrived in Jakarta it seemed like there's always this big flashing neon sign blinking the words "I am not gonna ever go back here" in the back of my mind after all the sanity-wrecking shitty things we experienced even when we just landed at the airport. Yet, here I am, admitting that in this life we had we could always make plans, but it's always Him who eventually decides what's going to happen. It's Him who turns our heart as he wills; that despite all the inconveniences we've dealt with (and still will have to face), we came to believe that, for a greater good, it's better to move here.


Brace Yourself

My first post after we've officially moved to Jakarta!

Some of my family and friends asked me how it feels like to finally leave Singapore after living there for years.

To be honest, it just felt normal to me, I don't feel sad for leaving such a beautiful place nor feeling any attachment left to it. I can understand why and I'm pretty sure that it was because this moving thing had happened to me multiple times before.

Not many people knew but leaving one place to live elsewhere is kinda the story of my life. I was born and spent my first 5 years in Pekanbaru before we moved and lived in Jambi for 3 years. After that we all moved again and spent 1,5 years in Bangkalan (Madura), 3 years in Surabaya, 1 year in Sidoarjo, and 5 years in Jakarta. In 2005, we moved to Depok which made these 8 years living here was the longest stay I have ever had in my entire life before I had to move again and follow my husband to live in Singapore in 2013. And now after 6 years, I'm moving back to Jakarta, again.

I don't know how this is going to be, but I'm confident to say that Indonesia is my country, this is where I was born and bred, this is the place where I belong. I just need to brace myself for all that's coming.

Bismillah.


Life Purposes

Two months after I gave birth to my daughter years ago, my younger brother visited me in Singapore when he was going back to Indonesia for his term break. His visit was also kind of to pick up my mother and bring her back home after staying with me for a while teaching me how to take care a newborn baby.

At that blissful time of being a new mom, he casually asked me what it's like to finally have a child. It's like I have a new purpose in life, I answered simple and straight.

I guess I just have to remind myself more about this conversation these days. You see, after the miscarriage, my so called great depression, supervisor's call, and all, for these past few months I was somehow drained in thoughts about pursuing my career back and finding what I like doing which I'm going to do. Come to think of it again, maybe I'm just going through another life crisis, sort of.

Every time I was in the middle of some 'research and study' to fill my brain some insights in, my daughter always asked why should I do that. And every time I said that I need to prepare myself before I go back to the market, she always did this crying her eyes out over objection. She doesn't want me go to work (whatever that will be) and leave her all day long just like her father does. I've tried to talk to her though, telling her that I'm not going to leave her alone if I work (I could exercise this working from home thing, perhaps?) But she's still not taking it well, she would cry a river every time I brought the topic up until it shook my conscience and made me question my motive all over again, which in turn, brought me back to the conversation with my brother.



Dear S my little darling, you were once my purpose in life, you are still now, and you will always be. You're quite too young to understand but I want you to know that. I dare say that I love you more than I love myself. Even if I had to think less of my own self a bit in order to look out for you, I would. I always had —and you know, I always would.

I know someday you'll figure it out.