Life Purposes

Two months after I gave birth to my daughter years ago, my younger brother visited me in Singapore when he was going back to Indonesia for his term break. His visit was also kind of to pick up my mother and bring her back home after staying with me for a while teaching me how to take care a newborn baby.

At that blissful time of being a new mom, he casually asked me what it's like to finally have a child. It's like I have a new purpose in life, I answered simple and straight.

I guess I just have to remind myself more about this conversation these days. You see, after the miscarriage, my so called great depression, supervisor's call, and all, for these past few months I was somehow drained in thoughts about pursuing my career back and finding what I like doing which I'm going to do. Come to think of it again, maybe I'm just going through another life crisis, sort of.

Every time I was in the middle of some 'research and study' to fill my brain some insights in, my daughter always asked why should I do that. And every time I said that I need to prepare myself before I go back to the market, she always did this crying her eyes out over objection. She doesn't want me go to work (whatever that will be) and leave her all day long just like her father does. I've tried to talk to her though, telling her that I'm not going to leave her alone if I work (I could exercise this working from home thing, perhaps?) But she's still not taking it well, she would cry a river every time I brought the topic up until it shook my conscience and made me question my motive all over again, which in turn, brought me back to the conversation with my brother.



Dear S my little darling, you were once my purpose in life, you are still now, and you will always be. You're quite too young to understand but I want you to know that. I dare say that I love you more than I love myself. Even if I had to think less of my own self a bit in order to look out for you, I would. I always had —and you know, I always would.

I know someday you'll figure it out.

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